Insanity
by CyanGalaxy
Summary: She hears him talking alone at night, sometimes crying. How badly Padmé wanted him to realise the Padawan he was speaking to wasn't really there.


**A/N: This is kind of an unrealistic (dark?) twist I wrote for the aftermath of Ahsoka's departure.**

* * *

Ahsoka was her friend, and over the few years she'd known the girl, they'd actually become quite close friends. It really did hurt to find out that the Padawan—or _ex_ Padawan—chose to leave. However, it was her husband who knew her the most, cared for the most and possibly even _loved_ her most (she knew Jedi weren't allowed to be attached to others obviously, but it was clear in the way he used to treat her, that Padmé knew they were different— _stronger_ —than other Masters and Padawans).

So, it really did come as a surprise when she found out the news, but even more so, Anakin's reaction to it all. He seemed... Okay? Well, not _okay_ okay. Just not what she was expecting. Instead of being angry, sad, hurt, remorseful, blameworthy, the Knight seemed... calm. A voice in her head whispered 'Jedi' and that he could be façading his emotions, but that doesn't seem like Anakin at all—especially with her.

* * *

He stayed the night at her apartment, staying awake until the crono passed midnight. He sat at the end of the bed, only watching Coruscant's busy city out the window, while Padmé lay in the bed watching him. He didn't seem to notice her alertness, and looked lost in thought even when facing away from her.

She knew he was thinking about Ahsoka.

"Things will be alright." Anakin said, distant. _Hmm_.. Maybe he did know she was awake. "I know so, Padmé."

"Ani?" She really hoped he believed what he was saying, and it wasn't some lie to get her to not worry about him. Anakin did that sometimes. "Are you okay?"

"Yes."

* * *

In wasn't long after Anakin was forced back into battle—well not _forced_ (it was his choice to return)—but she still didn't like the idea of him being on the fronts so soon after what's just happened. Even if he seemed fine, and typically alright, Padmé knew something wasn't right. Wether he was faking his emotions or denying them all together, none of it felt okay. Plus, being on the battle field with troops to command and lives to save was extremely dangerous if one was not in the right state of mind.

* * *

Well, something did go wrong. Not in a major way, but enough for Padmé to go down to the Jedi med bay four weeks after he left, ignoring the rule that said 'no civilians'.

Anakin, according to the reports by Captain Rex, was leading but failed to block laser shots he normally wouldn't get hit by. The clone didn't need to mention if Ahsoka was there, she'd watch his back, because Padmé already understood.

She went in to the room, Anakin was awake. He quietly sat on the bed, while Padmé took a seat.

"Are you okay?" She asked gently, talking about his emotional health more than physical. She needed him to open up, so events like this wouldn't happen again. Sure, it was just a few laser bolts this time, but next time he might not be so lucky.

He nodded silently, probably feeling uneasy about the whole situation and all the attention it was creating. It wasn't regularly Anakin Skywalker was in the med bay for something as simple and easily avoidable as a few laser bolts. Her husband was clearly not ready for that battle.

"Yeah... I just forgot. She was— I thought—"

"I know, Ani."

* * *

He fidgets while doing nothing, Padmé notices. A new trait that wasn't there before, along with murmuring quiet words to himself that she can't exactly hear. She can't remember the last time he slept, too. In his mind, she doubts that's even important to him.

* * *

The war rages on, no one cares about Anakin Skywalker's health but her—unless of course it involves physical injury and effects the results of wins and losses in the war. The Jedi Council, by now, are unresponsive when it comes to Anakin clearing himself from the med bay earlier than recommended because, as Padmé knows, the victories are more important than the wellbeing of the people who achieved them.

Only she can see the shaking of his hands. Only she can notice his hyper-fast gaze. Only she can realize his breathing is too quick. Only she can know that when they're together, Anakin mentions 'Padawan' in almost every conversation.

* * *

He keeps her lightsaber and beads on the bedside table. They've been there since day one, and Padmé's always thought they were like a token—something to remember Ahsoka by—, but tonight as they lay in bed, Anakin talks in a way the suggests he shouldn't have them—that they're _Ahsoka's_ , not his. "She would be mad if I had them, wouldn't she? They're her's."

Worried, Padmé strokes his cheek to get his eyes to only focus on her, rather than darting around frantically. "Yes, but she isn't a Jedi anymore, Anakin. Are you feeling alright?"

He looks confused. "Yeah, why would I not be?"

* * *

She speaks to Obi-Wan, and he admits Anakin is dealing with Ahsoka's departure well—better than the Council and himself expected. She mentions the uncharacteristic new traits he's picked up, because Padmé can't be the only one worrying for her husband.

Obi-Wan has, but he's less concerned.

* * *

He doesn't even sleep anymore. He lays next to her, sure, but his mind is awake and she can tell. His appearance is damaged, dark eyes, unkept hair, thinner face, all accompanied by the twitching and quick eye movements.

"Anakin, I'm worried about you. I think you should—"

"Padmé, I told you," he cuts off, shrugging nonchalantly. "I'm fine, I feel fine, I told you." The topic of his wellbeing was clearly not of importance.

* * *

They finally take him off the fronts, but she suspects they're more concerned about the troops lives that are under his command. The strategies he uses are... more than just reckless, they're suicidal.

Anakin, however, doesn't think so. To him, they're just plans and suicidal or not, he needs to complete the mission. He relies too heavily on sheer force, rather than thinking it through. It's costed him many lives, and the 501st's head count is decreasing.

Padmé wonders if Ahsoka was the level-headed one, the one that made Anakin realize what he was doing, the one stopping him from getting himself killed.

* * *

Anakin can't understand why the Council would do this. Why take him out of battle?

He wasn't mad though, just downhearted. So, to prove to them he can fight (because that must be the reason, right?) he preps his men and the battle of Ringo Vinda begins.

* * *

Anakin barely registers her absence, and still leaves a spot on the battlefield for where she would be. Doesn't block his left side. He sends clones to fight unprotected, thinking that she would lead them. He even plays that little game that involves counting each droid he'd cut up or shot down, thinking Ahsoka was playing right along with him.

* * *

The Jedi find out about his adventure and are furious. He lost basically _all_ his troops, and the ones that lived were badly injured. Captain Rex was one to survive, so that's why Padmé found herself at the closest clone medical station where he was located. She needed to find out what was going on, and if Anakin's Captain was the only way to acquire information, she'd seek him out.

"I've never felt... afraid, to be under the General's command before." Rex tells her. He was surprised to see a Senator here, but in the end, knew what the visit was about. "Something is wrong, and he can't see it."

"I know, Captain. I just need him to see someone, get help..."

Rex was silent, collecting his thoughts. Rex was a loyal man, and she saw talking about his General like this was uncomfortable. "I think we should inform both General Kenobi and the Jedi Council about this."

* * *

"I'm fine, I'm fine." Anakin reassures them, not really focusing on Obi-Wan's words or her own for that matter.

"Anakin, please. Listen to us..."

"I am, Padmé, I am. But you keep wanting me to take medication the healers prescribed when I'm not even sick, see, I'm not sick." He sounded more confused than anything else.

Anakin looked over his shoulder where no one was standing. He raised an eyebrow and shook his head, as if... As if someone—Ahsoka—was right there.

* * *

Anakin complied, taking the prescription for a while. His shakiness faded, same with the crazed-looking eyes.

It all came crashing down when his emotions, previously not present, joined the party. He hated the feelings of loneliness and sorrow that was normaly blocked away. They made him hurt. He didn't like it. He wanted Ahsoka back.

So, he stopped his medication intake early, deciding life was better when what makes him human disappeared, and the only thing he needed was Ahsoka.

* * *

She heard him talking alone at night, sometimes crying.

How badly Padme just wanted him to realize the person he was speaking to wasn't really there.

She contemplated getting someone to track down the real Ahsoka, but getting her to face Anakin might just do more harm than good—for both parties.

A Padawan should never have to see their Master like this. And it hurted her to say it, but he was close to the brink of madness, if not already on it.

* * *

The last night it even happened was the night before he was shipped off to the Outer Rim sieges. It was safe to say the Jedi Council was desperate, but they claim Obi-Wan would be there with him, and help him if his condition got... 'unmanageable', as they said.

Months passed, and the rumours didn't fail to make their way to her. Some said that Anakin Skywalker had completely lost it, others declared he died. One even said suicide was the cause of death, and the other one said the Padawan's voice in his head made him do it.

* * *

 **A/N**

 **I tried to write dark, and I failed xD. Well, see ya later, i'll show myself out.**

 **I got inspired when I heard this girl's story about not remembering her baby brother passed away because it was too traumatic, so she basically blocked the whole experience out. I was thinking about it, and so this happened... Basically I was like, "Anakin's got a lot of problems, let's add one more to the list."**

 **Feedback? I don't care if it's good, bad or ugly xD**

 **May the Force be with you**

 **-CyanGalaxy**


End file.
